Saturday, June 6, 2009

Limp Tomato Plant

Today, I am feeling like a wilted tomato plant.

I only say tomato plant because we are just built a greenhouse, and we were nurturing sweet little tomato plants in the family room near the sliding glass door. The baby snapped one off one day, and by the time my hubby noticed, he had dragged it around the house for quite some time. The poor little thing was limp and bedraggled. He put it in a cup of water, and that darn thing took root! He transplanted it last week, and it seems to be surviving, but it’s not nearly as big as the other plants. (or the plant that the baby broke it off of…)

So back to me.

We had Tuxedo Boy’s graduation ceremony from High School on Friday night. For me, that meant two days of decorating the gym with dear friends, mothers of his closest friends. It meant late nights, trying to finish the graduation gifts that I had in mind for these boys, which was more ambitious than I realized, and I had waited far too long to begin. I made them scrapbooks with photos of the four of them growing up together. It was many hours in front of the computer designing the pages, then mounting them. It also meant helping Tux to get the things done that he needed to do, dragging the Baby around as necessary, and then I got a call that Musician would be receiving an award at an assembly at the school…so we dropped everything and ran to that.

I’m tired.

I was nervous and excited about the graduation ceremony, and wanted to be sure that I got lots of good pictures of the boys. I wanted it to be perfect. I wanted to make sure that it was everything that they expected, and more. I was worried that I wouldn’t get things done that I was supposed to do.

Once the ceremony was over, I was relieved and suddenly very, very tired. But then came the celebration, which included cake at our place with Grandma and Grandpa, then going to a friends’ gathering. We got home about 11PM, at which time it took me an hour to get the baby to wind down. He was crazy tired and I could hardly soothe him. Once I got him settled, it took me even longer to unwind, myself, so I was up late late late!

This morning, he woke up far too early. He is still crazy tired! I was tired. I had slept later than I usually do on Saturdays, when I need to be out and on my way at 10AM for a commitment. I ended up having very little time to prettify myself for the day, and just pulled my hair up in a clip. Thank heavens for those things!

Some hours later, I am sitting here feeling absolutely limp. My hair has gone from chicly swept back to a disheveled mess. Thanks to allergies, I’m not sure that there is any makeup left on my eyes. I could definitely use a nap.

These are the times that I find myself most vulnerable to negative thoughts. I know that taking care of my physical body has a great deal to do with my mental health, and I try to get the regular sleep that I need. My natural rhythm (especially when I am depressed) is to stay up all night, then sleep all day. But it’s a nasty cycle that usually leads me to those dark places.

Last night was a bit emotional, as well. I didn’t cry, but I did get a few tears as they showed the Senior slide show. I’m seeing my baby graduate and become a real adult…although he has not made any definite plans yet, he is considering the Air Force. Even if he just goes off to school, it means that he’s leaving home. That will be a tough one for me! I once had him convinced that he should live with mama until he was 47, but that’s not a good plan, either! It’s just going to be really difficult to let him take wing and leave the nest.

Just think of the shadowy places that my mind could go with those factors! I could imagine the most extreme scenarios…I could second guess every decision that I’ve made as a parent…I could obsess over his future.

But like the little tomato plant, I just need some time to rest up. Today is not a good day to think or analyze or plan. I just need to get some sleep and get myself built up again before I do any of that.

I used to ignore those guidelines and would forge on with my thought process without considering the factors that would affect it at this time. I would go from tired to worried to anxious to depressed to freaked in no time at all. This is one of those things that you learn as you work to control the disease. You have to listen to your body, and know that when your body is worn down, your mind is probably at it’s worst, too.

So today, I’m limp, and somewhat uninspired. But it’s okay, because a couple of days in my cup of water, and I just might be able to produce a tomato or two!

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