Happy Mother's Day, Gram!

I dreamt of my Grandma for Mother’s Day. It’s not really unusual, I often dream about being “home” at my grandparents’ house, mixing with my cousins and wanting to stay longer. I’m always just about to leave, and sad that I have to go. I never get to stay there long enough.

But this wasn’t your happy, flowery kind of dream, but one in which I was wandering in her home, watching my aunts move things around and pack things up. They were all distracted and talking amongst themselves, but not really to me. I was becoming frustrated that no one seemed to notice that Gram was not there.

“Where is my grandma?” I asked repeatedly, finally becoming tearful and angry. “Where is my grandmother?”

A reply was absently tossed at me.

“But that’s not far from here!” I cried. “I want to see my grandmother before I leave!” I was indignant, and yet, they went right back to what they were doing. I awoke with that choked up, something is not right in my world feeling. I was weepy through most of the morning.

I was a little worried. You see, some years ago when I was young, I dreamed of my Uncle Bruce. In the dream, I walked up the stairs and found his twin sister sitting in his wheelchair in his room. She was crying. “This is all that is left of him,” she said. Two weeks later, he passed away after battling Muscular Dystrophy for 19 years. I thought that I had caused his death.

So at first, I worried that this might be the same for my Gram. I tried to remind myself that it was Mother’s Day, and I was likely thinking of the women in my life. I know that my mother and her siblings are meeting soon to discuss the future. I recently taught a lesson in church on Joseph and his interpretation of dreams. It all added up.

I was also feeling guilty because I haven’t called my Gram in ages. She’s in an assisted living home, and even though her body checked in, her mind did not. It’s a stranger living in my Gram’s body. She doesn’t know who I am when I call, and doesn’t remember afterwards that I have called. My sweet cousin V visits faithfully every week, and Gram doesn’t even remember her.

Another beautiful cousin lost her grandfather a few years ago, and I expressed my condolences. “Oh, it’s okay,” she said sweetly. “He’s been gone for years.” I understand that now.

Is there any part of her that knows that we are there? Will she remember when the veil is lifted? Be upset that we didn’t spend more time calling or visiting? Or will she understand that it was hard to communicate with her from so far away?

Is it abandonment if she abandoned us first?

I wished that I could call her, could tell her all that I needed to say. I wanted her to be my Gram – ornery and all – so that I could talk to her.

My dearest Gram,

Happy Mother’s Day! I hope that your day is filled with joy and laughter!

I love you, Gram. I miss you.

I want to laugh with you about our memories – how you told me when I was a teenager, “Don’t be yourself! Just be nice!” How I winked at you to tease you. How worried you were when I allowed a man – GASP – my grandfather – into my bedroom at Heritage Halls. About the time that you lost track of me at age two and I tried to go to school with the big kids.

I want you to remember them, too.

I want to share my successes with you. I want you to know how proud of Tux I am, for making the President’s Honor Roll in college. Even taking Japanese! I want you to know that he’s becoming himself again. That Addy has lost so much weight and is finding himself to be a handsome young man. That Toddy is finally pottie trained. That one of my graphic designs is being displayed prominently in the resort that I work for.

I want to tell you how exciting it was to see Tux graduate from Seminary. How proud of Todd I am because he says prayers in Primary. I want to talk about the things that I read in the scriptures, and how it applies to my life. I want to share these things because you devoted your life to teaching your family about the Gospel. I know that you would want to know that we got it.

I want to show you that despite all of your worries and concerns about our morality and poor decision making, we turned out okay. I want you to know that we understand why you were so adamant and sometimes…okay, often…critical. We know now because we are mothers. Grandmothers.

We are a family of strong women. We fight for the things that matter. We raise our children with equal amounts of discipline and love. We are good wives. We are a good family. We love each other. We support each other. We are there for each other. You’d be proud of us, if you knew who we were.

Yes, I’m a coward. And I’m ashamed of that. I’m afraid that if I call to talk to you, it will break my heart.

I'm sorry that I'm so weak. I'm sorry that you can't be with Grandpa like you desire. I'm sorry that your time here on earth is dragging on without you really being in it. I'm sorry that I didn't talk to you more often when I could.

Happy Mother’s Day, Gram. I love you. I miss you. And I’m hoping that in the world that you live in, you are happy. That when it’s all over, you won’t remember the time that you spent trapped in a stranger’s mind. And more importantly, you won’t remember that I was such a wimp.

Someday, we’ll look back on this and laugh. That’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it.

Love,

Jaycie

Train up a child in the way he should go...

I have had an AWESOME day. To be honest, I was worried. We are coming in to graduation week, and Tuxedo Boy has been particularly difficult. My mother says that this is a natural process that ensures that parents will let their children leave home…if they were not so irritating as seniors, we might hold on to them forever. I used to have the kids believing that they should live with me until they are 47. But we have been having the typical struggles with a child of this age, and the poor kid has had to listen to us lecture more than once in the last week.

Today was Seminary Sunday at church. All of the Seminary students and teachers were asked to talk. In our branch, that was three kids and two teachers. Because our branch covers a wide swath of land, we have two separate classes for the kids that live on opposite ends of the boundaries. At our end, Tuxedo Boy was the only student in his class for three years, until he was joined by my Musician son this year as a freshman.

For three years, Tuxedo Boy would get up at the crack of dawn – or before – and go to the church for Seminary. Every day, his teacher would get up and prepare a lesson for him. And every day, a priesthood member would have to join them at the church, as there needs to be more than two and at least one priesthood holder. I was always so impressed that not one, but two volunteers would arrive to teach one boy! It was quite humbling to see the service being offered. This year, because Tuxedo Boy was 17 and his brother was joining the class, they were able to meet just with their teacher.

It was a tremendous sacrifice for Tuxedo Boy. He loves to sleep in. He is a night owl, and getting up early is really and truly not easy for him. Thank heaven for his teacher, who was absolutely and unequivocally chosen by God to teach him. She was the most perfect personality for him; with a scathing wit, a respectful irreverence, and not shocked by anything that he said to her. He could joke and laugh and be sarcastic, and she would play along and make it part of the discussion. She is also highly conservative politically, and could have intelligent conversations with him on any current topic. Without her guidance and dedication, it would have been difficult for him to have accomplished four years of Seminary.

She knows the value of teaching, even if it is only one student. When she joined the church many years ago, her son was the only Valiant in his class. His teacher didn’t see the importance of preparing a lesson or even showing up for one student. That student is no longer active in the church. What a difference it might have made if that teacher had made the effort! I know in this case, the teacher making the effort for this one young man – my son – has made a world of difference. They have a very good relationship, and she has had a great impact on his life. When she recently needed a priesthood blessing, she asked him to assist her husband. It was very sweet and indicative of how they feel about one another. She is an angel that has brought him through the early morning refinery of Seminary, and she will always have my deepest and most heartfelt gratitude.


So today was Seminary Sunday, and both of my boys were to speak. I kept hounding them and hounding them to get their talks done, but like most teenagers, they procrastinated. I was worried.

The Musician spoke first, and his talk was very nice. It was a youth talk, to be sure, but he actually presented some good points. Tuxedo Boy spoke next. What came forth out of that child, I can only say made my mouth drop. He spoke with depth and maturity. He made jokes, he was serious. It was a beautiful thing.

He spoke of how worried he was about beginning Seminary. It was early and the teacher was just that scary lady that played piano in Relief Society. He talked about how he found out that she was not so scary after all. He talked about falling asleep in class, waking to find that the room was dark and his teacher had gone downstairs. He told about the brother that brought him sour candies and soda to keep him awake.

But he also talked about learning about the scriptures, and how it had impacted his life. How he found that he really knew nothing, but that the lessons in the scriptures had helped him to make good decisions in his life. About how he might be in another place entirely without that daily scripture study. He talked of wanting to study the scriptures, and how Seminary had given him that chance.

He is a religion scholar on his own. He has read not only the four standard works (not so much the D&C, which is not his favorite!), but the Koran and other religious texts, as well. He reads all of the time. It falls into his other interests, which are history, war, government, economics, and politics. They are all related and affect one another in many ways. If I want to know anything about anything, I usually go to him. But to hear him talk of the spiritual side of the scriptures, and the gratitude that he has for them…priceless. I was walking on air by the time he finished speaking.

He followed this up by being one of the speakers at the Stake Seminary Graduation. He began his talk with my favorite scripture as a mother, Proverbs 22:6 “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” From this scripture has come many a discussion with my boys, who needed to understand that sometimes I made them do things that were hard or not so fun, because it was preparing them for the future. That I was doing the best that I could, knowing my responsibility to raise them in a righteous manner. My responsibility to God for their training and care. It meant a lot to me that he began his talk with this scripture.

To which he added his own favorite scripture, Proverbs 21:19 “It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.” Was that aimed at me??!! He got some good laughs with that one.

His talk was much like the earlier one, but perhaps with a bit more seriousness. He pointed out that his generation is facing a darker, more menacing world, and how they needed this spiritual training to survive.

I was so proud of him. For speaking in public. For his insight. For his maturity. For listening even when I was sure that he wasn’t hearing anything that we taught. For respecting his priesthood. For just being himself.

I saw a glimpse of the other side of this crazy rocky time that we call the teen years. I saw the man that my son would become. And I liked it.

Congratulations, my baby. For four years of sacrifice, to learn the things that you will need to know as you go out into the dark, menacing world, and emerge unscathed. You are a fine example of strength and character, and I know that you will be able to face any challenge if you wear the full armor of God. I’m proud of you, and I love you and admire you. Today, I saw that I will always be learning from you, and learning about you. What an incredible blessing it has been for me to be your mother in this life.

Today was AWESOME!