Wish. Wonder. Believe.

This is probably one of my all time favorite pics that I’ve taken! It was a beautiful, sunny morning, and I was out walking the dog. The sun was hitting the neighbor’s yard in just such a way as to light up the dew, like tiny little diamonds sprinkled across the lawn. When I moved closer to snap a picture, I realized that this single dandelion, gone to seed, stood tall and proud.

As I focused on the dandelion, I pondered on what this might mean. I saw some significance to the ‘gone to seed’ part of the photo, as I was feeling pretty seedy at that time, myself! But I was also on the verge of coming out of the dark, and I loved the sparkling points of light that blurred behind the central figure. I imagined that the lights were the cheering crowd, urging the dandelion on to it’s next life. Perhaps it was wishful thinking.

I posted the picture to our family website, and asked them to give it a title. One cousin suggested “Wish”. I hadn’t even thought of the childhood ritual of blowing on these puffs, making a wish as the precious seeds full of promise wafted away on the wind! It was such a poignant title, and hereafter, I thought of this photo as such.

Wish. Yes! Wish for peace in my soul. Wish to be where the Lord wants me to be. Wish to accept change as it comes. Wish to be what I am supposed to be. Wish to be whole again.

Just like the flower that had been both beautiful and bright, I had evolved. I had gone to seed. And it was time to let myself go, sailing in the breeze without care for where I would land, knowing that wherever it was, I would bring more beauty and life into the world. I would trust that the current of air would take me where I needed to be.

Since my return from Bro’s house, I’ve been busier than ever. Opportunities are presenting themselves like I would never have dreamed possible. The world is opening up, and I’m oddly at ease with all of this. I feel myself softly coming to rest on a variety of fields, tentatively catching hold of the fertile soil. Seeds are being sown before me.

Some will develop into beautiful, hearty plants. Some will cling to rocky places, struggling to maintain their hold. Some will blow away, perhaps coming to rest in another place. Still others will wither and die before they can even begin to grow.

And I’m all right with that.

I wished for peace, and I have found that. I know that no matter how hard the wind blows, I have anchors to hold me…and if not, I can trust in the Lord to take me where I need to be. He will guide me, sustain me, and comfort me.

I wished to be whole, and found that being whole is something entirely different than I had dreamed. Sometimes, to be whole, one has to be ready to unfold, and leave yourself open.

I’ve also learned that it helps to be standing tall like that little dandelion. You are able to scatter further and further from yourself, finding new and greener pastures. Had that little flower been lying on the ground, broken, the seeds would never have travelled on the wind.

Wish. See the wonder. And then believe!

You just might get it all.

What Photoshop means to me...

I was born a photographer, you could say, as my mother was always snapping pics and passed that on to me. I’ve always had a camera, usually had it near, and made many attempts to create something that was stunning. My cameras were all low end until I started taking pictures of my children and was disappointed with the quality. I invested in a ‘decent’ Olympus, which gave way to a digital version when they were still fairly new.

My cousin E exposed me to a whole new world of photography about five years ago.

I had mentioned that I wanted to buy a decent camera, and he helped me pick one out. I ended up with a Canon Powershot S1 IS. It was a definite upgrade from my Olympus, which was an early point and shoot digital that had very limited functions.

I was thrilled with the Canon, which fell into their “prosumer” line, meaning that it was a step above P&S, but not quite an SLR. It did so much more than the little Olympus, and took some excellent pictures. In fact, I loved it so much that when it died after 4 years and nearly 11,000 pictures, I replaced it with a newer version of the same camera…an S5.

E also introduced me to Photoshop Elements, and I think that it has had a bigger impact on my life than even the camera! I had photo editing software before…something that came with another piece of software, most likely. It did some fun things like transform my photo into a cartoon, but it was very poor quality once I saved it. PSE changed all of that. I could resize a picture, crop it, make any other change…and come out with a BETTER picture than I had started with. I was amazed!

I once told E that PSE could save a bad photo. Well, he had never taken a bad photo, so he shook his head and told me that PSE could make a good photo great. I stand by my original assessment, but I do concur with his, also!

He taught me how to crop an image, adjust the levels, and sharpen. For months, that’s all that I did. Then started playing with filters, layers, dodge, burn…it was like a playground for mommies! It could take a photo that missed the mark and make it liveable…a good thing for any scrapbooker.


When I lost my job, I wanted to make sure that I was using my time for good things. I worked on my photo editing, and found that there is a big wide world out there with tutorials just for the asking! I learned some amazing things. I’ll try to share what I’ve learned as we go along.

When my first Canon died at Christmas, I knew that I could not afford to replace it with an SLR. The one that I was eyeing was about $1500, and that was out of our price range. I told myself that I’d never know how to use it, anyway, as I was still learning about photography. I knew that it would be another couple of years before I was ready for a bigger, better camera.

Sadly, I have had a long period of unemployment, and lots of time to practice my skills! I’m feeling really comfortable with my camera and I’m finding things that I WISH that I could do, things that I can’t do with my Canon. So that schedule has been accelerated, but in the opposite direction as our income! I’m just gonna have to make do!

So I’ve had a lot of fun learning more about Photoshop and practicing various techniques, and I couldn’t live without it! I have the program open at least once a day, usually much more.

Photoshop means…

…that I can fix out of focus photos by using creative filters…a must know for any mother of a toddler

…that I can adjust overexposed or underexposed pictures, bad lighting , and too much lighting, which is a godsend for those of us who are photographing moving bodies.

…I can crop my photos to show just the view that I want, even if I don’t get it perfectly through the viewfinder.

…I can make posters or large size prints, knowing that the quality will not be compromised.

…I can make collages and digi scrap.


…I can remove distracting elements that may be in the frame.

…I can adjust the background to place more focus on my subject

…I can add in a pretty sky where there was a cloud cover – absolutely a miracle for our area!

…I can add creative and artistic touches, from coloring effects to filters

…I can remove the background altogher, and put my subjects someplace else! The Musician was so happy to be 13 that he announced, “I’m a teenager! The world revolves around ME!” I took a photo of him and put him in the center of the universe. It was the coolest 13 year old portrait ever!


Because I am a mother who wants to chronicle her children’s lives, Photoshop also means that I can take pictures without worrying about…

…Toddy’s beautiful blue eyes no longer shining red…I can fix that

…Chocolate on his face, I can fix that, too!

…boogers (although I still try)

With the older boys, I don’t have to be so picky about what they are wearing, which makes photo shoots and candid shots a breeze! I don’t have to worry about…

…Wearing a t-shirt with a logo that doesn’t fit my theme -- just remove it!

…Wearing the wrong colors. I once took a pic of the three boys in various colored t’s, then changed the colors to fit my Christmas Cards.


…rumpled hair

…funny faces in a group shot. I just take lots of shots, then cut and paste the best face of each person onto one composite photo. Brilliant!

And because I am not 20, and my face shows both the ravages of time and three bouts with Bell’s Palsy, I can edit photos of myself to soften wrinkles, even up my smile, even straighten my teeth, if necessary. If all else fails, I can just remove myself from the picture completely.

Photoshop means that even a schlep like me can present some pretty decent pictures!

Sometimes, the answer is NO

This picture breaks my heart…it was taken at the exact moment that Tux realized that he would never compete at the state level in wrestling. He had wrestled throughout junior high and high school, worked hard, pushed himself…but it was not to be. It was something that I knew that he wanted very much, and at this moment, it had become out of the question.

It wasn’t for lack of trying. He knew more about wrestling than many of his contemporaries, as my dad has been a wrestling coach for nearly 30 years and often works with the boys. It was all there, and yet, success seemed to be elusive for him.

His freshman year was particularly difficult, as he had a coach that only believed in winning. He pushed the kids until they nearly broke, lavishing praise on the ones that won, and ignoring those that did not. I thought that he might give it up at one point, and I was devastated to think that a coach could make it so hard on them.

He got all of the bad breaks…state champion competing in his weight class, difficult brackets, it just seemed that he could never catch a break. Year after year, we prayed that he would find his niche and excel.

He didn’t go without success, as he placed in many tournaments, as high as second place. That was an incredible tournament! He had struggled all that year (his junior year), and was frustrated and down on himself. He was upset that we were even attending this tournament, which was for much larger schools and a tough tournament for a small school like ours. He kicked some butt, though, and when he won the match that put him in the finals, I nearly deafened everyone in the building. No one was near me, so I just screamed. I was so happy for him!

He finished out that year with more medals, although he didn’t get past the regional level. We thought that perhaps his senior year would be the one.

We were wrong. His senior year was as difficult as ever, as he faced opponents that were just that much better than him, or caught the lucky breaks. He wrestled against kids that wrestle year round in Freestyle Tournaments. It was never an easy path for him, but he kept going.

We learned valuable lessons along the way. Sometimes, the answer is no...no matter how much we want something, no matter how much we pray, no matter how hard we work...we are unable to achieve the thing that we are striving for. It hurts, it’s confusing, and it both discourages and frustrates us beyond comprehension.

If it were up to me, he would have been State Champion. I felt that he deserved it! He had worked SOOOO hard, and he wanted it so much.

We kept telling him that there were plenty of other wrestlers that were having the same issues. Not everyone competes at State…not everyone realizes their dreams along the way. But even though we can tell ourselves that we have it better than some...how can it make us hurt less to know that someone else hurts more???

We think that we know what we need. We feel like it is something that we simply cannot live without. But we can...and we will. The Lord has a much larger view, and He knows what is best for us now, and what is best for us in the long run. That is why sometimes, He says NO.

I’m sure that it hurts Him as much as it hurts us, especially when it is something like this. I know that it hurts me as much as it hurt Tux, because I am his mother and I love him and want everything for him. I know how hard he had tried and how much he sacrificed, and I would move heaven and earth to give him a State Medal. UNLESS...I knew that this would not be the best for him in the long run...and so, I have to trust that Heavenly Father is taking care of things, and that He has our best interests at heart. I can trust Him in this. But I still would like to understand WHY some day!

I am incredibly proud of him for all that he accomplished. In wrestling, as well as in life. He persevered even when it wasn’t easy; a most admirable trait in anyone. He didn’t quit, He didn’t turn on his teammates or coaches, he never wavered in your dedication to wrestling.
THIS is what he will take away – not the accolades or medals. In the long run, this is much more valuable.

As heartbreaking as this moment was, it was also a victory of sorts. He proved that no matter what happened, He was the man. He wouldn’t give up. He wouldn’t back down from the challenge, and he proved that he was stronger than anything that was thrown at him.

He’ll always be a hero in my eyes!

What's so great about blogging?

So, it’s all the rage and everyone is doing it. But what’s so great about blogging?

That all depends on the reason for your blog, I suppose. I have friends and family members who blog as an ongoing family letter, akin to the Christmas Letter. These are fabulous for sharing with those that you don’t get to see often, and in today’s mobile society – a must to keep up with families that are strewn across the country. And even better, they have pictures and video, and allow the reader to respond quickly and join in discussions of posts. The added benefit is that it is a family history online, viewable by many. Some sites even allow you to have your blog printed and bound at the end of the year, which creates an archival quality memoir. All around win, I say.

There are also bloggers who wish to spread a message – political bloggers, for instance. They hope to capture an audience that will be influenced by their words. They generally have a specific topic or topics that they cover.

Some bloggers do so for their customers. One of my favorites is a photographer that did family pictures for my cousin and her family on Oahu. I checked out her blog to see their pictures, and LOVED it. Of course, she blogs about her photo shoots, which are always fascinating to me as a wanna-be photographer. But she also makes personal comments about things, and is very likeable. You can see her at Natalie Norton Photo

I see the application of this as I watch another cousin begin her landscaping business. She is always noting little things about certain flowers or plants for us…interesting little tidbits that just make me smile. For instance, did you know that pansies are a hearty flower? Then why do we call weak people pansies? It makes no sense! I love her little observations and her photography, and I think that a blog would serve her well to show off what she knows, her personality, and some of her jobs for potential customers. I’m considering my own business, and I’m still trying to figure out a fun blog for this purpose. It is a way of sharing your area of expertise and interesting others.

Probably the most influential blog that I have read is one by Rozanne Paxman of Scrap Girls. I originally began receiving the Scrap Girls newsletter because they always have digital scrapbooking freebies, and I’m cheap. I love the freebies to beef up my digital stash. I became addicted to the newsletter, however, because of the “muses” that Ro writes. She is a writer that has something to say on a variety of subjects, and usually with some sort of life lesson. Of course, this ties in with her business of selling digital scrapbooking supplies, as it inspires us to scrapbook things that we might not have thought of. Her blog is a continuation of that, in which she not only inspires, but offers solutions to organization and a variety of other topics.

It is this format that I chose for my blog. I want to write. I need to write. I love to write, and years of raising children and writing only technical manuals has taken it’s toll on my ability. I believe that we are given gifts to use for the good of the many, and if we do not use them, we lose them. I love to be able to write to touch others, and help them to ‘think outside the box’, if you will.

I try to pick a subject every day and write an essay. It’s not as easy as it sounds, but it makes me think all of the time. I am constantly trying on new subjects for size, running them through the old meat grinder to see if they look good. I compose sentences and paragraphs in my mind all day, selecting those that seem to strike a chord, rejecting ones that fall flat.

What is really remarkable is that it forces me to think differently. I see the big picture in everything. How does this really affect my life? What is the lesson here? How can I use this to reach out to others? My greatest goal would be for RESONANCE. I would be thrilled to know that something that I said or observed made you stop and think…perhaps even reevaluate your views, your goals, your place in life. To see the big picture and not obsess about details, but embrace the glory that this life has to offer.

Ultimately, I would like to say something profound. It hasn’t happened yet, but if I write enough…I’m bound to hit something!

On a professional level, it retrains my mind to write. Because I have one day to conceive, compose, and post my thoughts, I don’t have time to produce endless drafts. I have to think on the fly. I have to pull it all together-- introduction, explanation, and wrap up—in a brief amount of time. Every day, it gets easier.

On a personal level, it reminds me that I DO have something to offer. You’ve read that I was recently paralyzed by my lack of self-esteem. I began the blog anonymously, quietly, so that I could see if it would work for me. As I’ve opened up and invited other readers to my blog, I have gotten some excellent feedback that has been so good for me! I have a ‘readership’ of sorts, as I see that each day, I get about 20 readers. Some days more, some less, but it’s somewhat steady. That means that some of you are coming BACK again, after reading my blog. You have no idea how much that means to me. It restores my faith in the fact that each of us has something to offer, and that I am not a complete failure and social pariah as I thought.

I know, I know, that’s dramatic. Unfortunately, that was my shattered mind. I cannot believe how far I have come…how far I had fallen. I am in constant gratitude for my return to health.

And as I noted when I began this blog, my hope is that my experience might touch someone else. I scoured the internet when my premature baby was born, looking for stories of others who had experienced this. I devoured every word, learning as I read. It helped me to understand my own feelings and struggles, and to realize that there was light at the end of the tunnel.

I welcome your comments and love to hear your thoughts on any subject that I discuss. I invite you to share your own stories…whether you do so on my blog or in your own journals. If just one of you is inspired to write, to try something new, or gains perspective, then I have been successful.

And I gotta tell you, success is a beautiful thing!

Digital Photo Organization

I take a lot of pictures, sometimes as many as a hundred in a normal day, more if it’s a big event. Digital photography is so freeing, because it allows us to snap that shutter as many times as we want without fearing astronomical processing fees. I only print the ones that I intend to scrapbook. It does create a logistical problem, however, as I attempt to control the chaos that ensues. I’ve developed a system over the years that works really well for me, and I’d like to share it. It is especially helpful this year as I am doing a 365 project, which means that I’m taking even more photos than ever.

I am somewhat sporadic about transferring the pictures from my camera to the computer. Sometimes I will take them off immediately, other times, I wait until the end of the week. I never wait more than a week because it would be far too overwhelming! My camera card will hold so many photos that if I filled it, it would be impossible to deal with. I’m also anxious to see if they look as good on the computer as they do on the little screen (and sadly, some are not!). I use Windows XP, so just be aware that some of the details may be different if you are using another software platform, but the general idea will work.

My file structure is quite simple. I have an [Images] folder, under which all photos will be filed.

When I move photos off of my camera, I move them directly into a folder named [Sorting]. I then immediately rename them by event or topic.

1. Click on the last image in a series, then hold your shift key and click on the first image in the series.
2. Right click on that first file and then select Rename. I name them something that relates to the content, such as Graduation, GY Cache Party, Backyard Antics, Florals, Sunrise, etc. After the name of the series, add the following: “(1)”. Make sure that you do not remove the “.jpg” at the end of the file name; your computer needs this information so that it knows how to deal with that file.
3. Press [enter] when you are done. The computer will then rename each subsequent image Name (2), Name (3), etc. This ensures that all like items are kept together, and in chronological order! (important for event photography) I don’t rename them one by one…first, because it takes too dang long!, but also because I want them to stay together on my computer. I want all of the Graduation photos to be in one big group, rather than spread out throughout my folder. If I named one of them “Hat Throw” and another one “Tassel changing”, they would be filed alphanumerically in H and T, respectively. In between, I might have “Last Day of School” or “Memorial Day BBQ”, and that just bugs me.

At this point, I go through them one by one in the Windows Image Browser, rotating them as necessary, and jotting down numbers of the ones that I will be using so that I can edit them. I delete any absolutely bad photos at this time, but I must say that this rarely happens. I keep even unfocused or otherwise inadequate photos, because they may have captured a moment.

When I’ve completed that, I highlight the ones that I want to edit by holding the [Ctrl] key and then clicking on them. I either right click and select to open it with Photoshop Elements, or I open Photoshop Elements and then drag them into it. You can use any editing software that you choose, but I use Photoshop because it gives me the most professional results.

Once the images are opened, I begin to edit them. I won’t go into a lot of detail here, other than sizing. (that gives me something to talk about in another post!) When I have made any edits that I wish, I choose “Save as” option, then rename the file. I always leave the name and number, then add the following after:

E if I have edited it in any way (contrast, saturation, etc)
C if I have cropped it to true 4x6 or other printable size
A if I have done something artistic to it, like a filter or glow.
S if I have made it a small file for viewing on the web.

Here’s an example. I have pictures from Graduation, and I am saving Graduation (13).jpg as Graduation (13).jpg as Graduation (13) ec.jpg. That way, I know that it is a 4x6 format, edited, and ready for printing. I also wanted to vignette this photo, enhancing the focus on my subject. I made those edits, then save the photo as Graduation (13) eca.jpg. This artistic version is the one that I want to post on websites such as MyFamily, Facebook, Myspace, or my blog. I then resize the image to about 600 pixels on the longest side, then save as Graduation (13) ecas.jpg. I would now have 4 versions of the same photo on my computer, but that’s okay. It is easier to reference them later.

If I get interrupted and I cannot finish my edits, I always save the file in PSD format, instead of JPG. Every time you save a JPG, it loses quality, and you also lose the ability to edit layers, because they will be flattened.

I never NEVER overwrite the original file. I want to be able to go back and start from scratch if necessary, if I am unhappy with edits. Because I work on both a desktop and laptop, I have found that photos edited on my laptop are too saturated or too sharp, and I like to be able to start again. This is why I use the “save as” option always.

Now I can start categorizing the photos by usage. I have additional folders that I use for this purpose, so that nothing gets lost in the shuffle. You will note that I copy the files, rather than moving them, at this point.

I copy the small web-viewable files into a folder called [to be posted], so that I know what has been uploaded and what has not. Once I have uploaded them to wherever they are going to be posted, I delete them from this folder.

I copy the edited and cropped files into a folder called [Print] if I am going to print them in any format. These are usually the ones that I intend to scrapbook, so we’ll come back to them later.

I copy any photos that will be used for the week’s 365 pages into a [365] folder, so that they are easily found when I have a moment to scrapbook them. I’ve been doing this digitally, rather than with conventional scrapbooking, so they don’t need to be printed. Otherwise, I’d copy them into the Print folder.

I then copy any files that are going to be used in any other way…for instance, if I am sharing them with someone else, I’ll copy them into a folder to be burned to CD or copied onto a flash drive.

Once I have disseminated the copies, then I MOVE all everything out of the [Sorting] folder to it’s final archiving area. I have folders for each month of the year, named [2009.1], [2009.2], etc. This naming convention, again, keeps things in chronological order. I may have subfolders inside this monthly folder such as photos of collections or events. You can have a weekly folder, if you would like, numbered by week, but monthly works well for me. I used to keep them by season, but it was too many photos in one place and I could never find anything.

Now, back to the scrapbooking photos in the [Print] folder. I go through these to decide how I am going to scrapbook them, and if they need to be resized. I can make changes to these files, because I know that my originals and the edited versions are safe in the monthly folder. So I may crop them to 2x2, for example, and include 6 of them on one 4x6 file. I usually have a sketch, of sorts, that I will be working with, so that I know how big I want the photos.

Once they are ready to print, I move the file into a [Ready] folder. Then I upload them to my favorite printer and order the prints. I personally use Wal-Mart, because I’m cheap, but I’ve also been very happy with Shutterfly.

Once I have uploaded my photos to be printed, I can then delete them from the Ready folder, and everything is where it should be!

I use Carbonite, a backup program that immediately begins to back my files up to the internet. There are many companies that do this, but Carbonite came well-recommended and is really cost effective.

Once I have enough to fill a DVD, I will burn the image files on to DVD for safekeeping. It used to take me a year to fill a DVD, then six months…now I am filling a DVD every two months! I make two copies of this DVD. One stays at my desk for reference and the other is kept offsite. You may choose to keep a copy at someone else’s house, or at your office. I keep mine with my 72 hour kit, so that I have a full backup of my photos should we ever have to evacuate. (peninsula prone to tsunami damage, remember?)

I hope that this helps you to develop your own system for dealing with your precious photos! I’d love to hear if you come up with something that works for you! (there is NO wrong way, as long as you are not just deleting the files after you print them..the digital equivalent of throwing away negatives!)

Clarity

The rain begins to fall, at first gently, seductively…then harder, and faster. You know that you need to seek shelter, but the change is gradual, and you keep telling yourself that when it gets worse, you will run inside.

Worse comes incrementally, until you are plunged into a world of grey, eyes half closed against the deluge. Streams of water run down your face, tears that have formed long before touching your skin. It is overwhelming and you find that your own tears never come. You are washed away by the strength of the storm, gasping against the flow, until you are sure that you can stand no more against the drenching rain. You turn your face to the skies, wishing, hoping that the saturation will come quickly.

This is what depression feels like.

But the drops that stay behind…crystal clear, perfectly formed…it is through these that you begin to see the patterns. It is through these that you find the most intricate and interesting parts of yourself being magnified, glorified. It is through these that you see the glory of the skies above, the sheltering trees that surround you, the light that permeates all that is.

THIS is Clarity.

Rest in Peace

‘Rest in Peace’ does NOT mean that one should be buried and left alone.

Yes, I know that I’ve said that I’m not really good about going to visit graves. And that is true of my loved ones, the ones that I know are in a well groomed graveyard, right where we left them. But what if their graves were unattended? What if tree roots were allowed to burrow through the graves, and headstones toppled willy nilly? If no one even claimed to own the graveyard, so that they didn’t have to be responsible for it’s care?

I might be inclined to change my mind about visiting dead.

My husband is an avid Geocacher, which is a modern day treasure hunter, of sorts. They use a GPS to locate treasures hidden by other Geocachers, posted on the internet by their latitude and longitude coordinates. It is a fascinating sport, which takes you to fascinating places. I tag along sometimes to take pictures of the area. The ones that I enjoy most are the ones that teach about and are designed around the local history.

Geocachers are also very good people. They organize gatherings that not only teach and inspire, but also provide service opportunities, such as “Cache in, Trash Out”, where they remove trash from remote areas that have become littered.

Today was a Geocache event at a graveyard, and we were to clean up and restore the grave sites. I expected a remote, small, family graveyard. One that was inaccessible or had only a few residents. We have attended gatherings of this sort before in small graveyards, and they are always so interesting.

I love to tour old cemetaries, with their worn head stones and simple plots. The names and dates are intriguing to me; I want to know their stories…how they lived, how they died, who they were. I can wander for hours, letting my thoughts wander to distant times and trying to envision who these people were.

I was unprepared for what I saw today.

A graveyard located less then two miles from the center of the town…abandoned and neglected, unclaimed. Ravaged by storms, overgrowth, and time. Headstones that had been felled by trees, buried under rubble and weeds, or worn smooth by the elements. How did this happen? Who owns this land, and why has it been forgotten?

A picturesque farmhouse stands at the bottom of the hill from the graveyard, bright against the lush landscape. The owner, whose name I missed, was grateful that Geocachers had come to work this day, as she and her family had tried for years to maintain the area. Winter storms with winds up to 120 MPH in this area had brought down ancient cedar trees, littering the resting place of these souls. She had contacted the city, who noted that no one claims this land. No one is responsible for it’s care. She – we’ll call her Carey – had obtained permission to have the trees removed and to dispose of the wood. A youth group had come to remove much of the debris.

Carey told us what she knew of the graveyard, next to which she has lived for many years. Legend has it that a VIP had buried his 17 year old son in this grove of cedar trees, many years ago. He then opened the land for others to lay their loved ones to rest. It is hard to tell when the earliest graves were dug, but the most recent one that I found was 1987.

Granite headstones dot the hillside on each side of the road. A fenced area boasts a concrete block reading “FOE 1631”.

As we cleaned, a man arrived, having heard that crews had been in to clean up the tree falls. He was surprised to find us cleaning up; Tom had uncovered his grandparents’ headstone just minutes before. They were in the fenced section, which he explained was a burial place for those who were members of the Eagles Club. His uncle or father had to join the club in order to have the grandparents buried there.

Just up the hill, our friend Dan was placing a fresh new cedar fence for a plot that had been overgrown. It had been well cared for, at one time. It had been fenced, although the fence was rotten and moss covered. Artificial flowers were placed lovingly at the base of a tattered white cross. Worn as they were, he was restoring them to the small vase that he found in the weeds as he pulled them. He had wondered about who might be buried there, without any clues.

This man hurried up the hill, commenting that this was the very grave that he came to see. What a coincidence, that he would come at that moment! He told us that the grave was that of twin girls who had been stillborn. Not having been given names, the parents had placed the white cross in remembrance.


I found a head stone that had been engraved with both the husband and wife’s name, although only the wife had been buried. His death date was prepared with a “19”, the two remaining digits to be chiseled after his death. They had never been added. Is he there, but the headstone had not been updated? Or is he buried somewhere else? And if so….why?

A young service man, a private, from the inscription on the simple stone, died in 1941. A white cross and a faded, torn flag were being choked by weeds. We swept off the marker and tried to clean the face, with little progress. We weren’t sure what to do with the flag, so we left it, tattered as it was.



I had a fantastic day. I got some great shots, both before and after the cleaning, and spent a great deal of time kind of soaking in the names. I got to talk with some really awesome Geocachers. We had a BBQ lunch, with everyone bringing something. By the time that we left, things were looking much better.

I felt haunted by the discoveries, however. I wanted to rush home to put the names into an internet search engine, and see if anything came up. I wanted to know more about these people, whose families seem to have all but deserted them. Are they remembered? I wanted to go back, to do more to restore the peaceful setting. I wanted to visit these people and make sure that they are never again forgotten.

My husband was reading my mind. “I think that we should go back sometime,” he said casually. “we can bring a bucket and brush to clean the headstones…”

I couldn’t have been more thrilled. “a weed eater,” I added, a bit too enthusiastically. “and maybe some flowers.”

He agreed. We would stop at the dollar store to buy silk flowers to spread amongst the graves. And a flag. Our soldier deserves a new flag. I think that we’ve got ourselves a date!

"Aziz! Light!"

“The Fifth Element” fans will recognize that line, as it appears at the very beginning of the movie. The priest is trying to read something in a cave, and needs his assistant to hold the torch so that he may see. The assistant keeps moving away, for various reasons, and the priest will yell, “Aziz! Light!” Each subsequent yell gets a little more gruff and desperate.

I identify with that priest. I am definitely a light lover. I need it, much like a flower needs the light of the sun. When we had a power outage that lasted for a week, I found that I simply could not function in the evenings because we didn’t have the supply of light that I was used to. We finally found that by shining one of the lamps that we had hooked up to the generator into the corner of the room, we could bounce enough light off of the white walls to satisfy my needs and keep me from freaking out.

We used to live in a house that had narrow windows, dark paneling, and no overhead lights. The first thing that I did when we moved in was to take down the heavy draperies and replace them with blinds. I could open them wide so that the sun would come into the room. We eventually got rid of the dark paneling, and added as many lights as possible to the room. It helped, but was never quite enough. I always felt like yelling, ‘Aziz! LIGHT!’

When we were looking for a new home, I wasn’t sure that we would ever find one that felt right. My husband actually found the home that we eventually bought. It wasn’t much to look at on the outside, but had four bedrooms. Our agent took us inside and I was not into the house more than 5 feet when I decided that this was the one. It was perfect! In so many ways…but most of all, because it was LIGHT. There are skylights, big windows, and a sliding glass door in the high ceilinged family room. Sunlight would literally stream in through the skylights in the afternoon. I knew that I had found home.
Light makes everything better. It allows us to see clearly. It illuminates the dark places, so that we may plainly see what we are dealing with.

The past few days have been sunny here…finally! We have had rain, rain, rain and lots of gray. So when the sun broke through, we threw open the blinds and opened the doors. We’ve been spending a lot of time in the back yard. It is nothing short of glorious!

It’s also been perfect for photographs. Light makes everything more vivid. It gives us depth and texture. Without a proper amount of light, everything seems flat and dull. I’ve taken more pictures in the last few days than I have in weeks – pictures of the blooming rhododendrons in our yard. Pictures of the light dappling through the trees. Pictures of the kids playing catch. Pictures of the dog trying to play catch. Pictures of the baby with sunlight lighting up his blonde hair like a halo. Pictures of glowing, radiant flowers. Pictures like the tree that so fascinates me.



The old snag becomes something else entirely in the late afternoon light. The colors are rich and warm, the shadows cast by it’s branches are fascinating. Set off by the brilliant blue of the evening sky, it is spectacular. (that was for you, mh!)

Photography is all about light. Get it right, and you have a stunning photograph. Get it wrong, and either you cannot capture the image that you see before you, or it becomes washed out and featureless. The sun is perfect light.

The Son is perfect light. I could go on and on with that analogy, and probably will in subsequent posts.

Today, I am thankful for the light, more than ever. I am thankful for color in my world. I am thankful for depth, for texture, and for illumination.

Good job, Aziz!

Fresh as a Daisy

I was reading a scrapbooking magazine today and saw a layout titled, “I’m good now.” The journaling was about how she had battled depression, and might battle it again, but she was good now. I’ve been thinking that, too. Even though I am coming off of one of the worst periods of depression that I’ve ever suffered…I think that I’m good now. Strong. If not strong, definitely stronger than I was just a few weeks ago. Is it possible? Could I be “in remission”?

When I began seeing a counselor, I was hopeful. Just having someone to talk to that was not emotionally involved with me was a great relief. I could be perfectly honest and forthright, and I knew that she would be, also. Having a total stranger tell you that you are a good person is a lot different than your mother telling you that you are a good person, if you know what I mean! Don’t get me wrong…Moms should still tell us that we are good, and that they are proud of us, though.

The first week, I poured out my issues, and she told me that it was perfectly natural to be depressed in my situation. She wasn’t s hocked that after 6 months, I wasn’t well, that I hadn’t beaten back the demons. That in and of itself was the lifting of a burden. Just having someone who can see my life through unbiased eyes!

I didn’t realize how very far I had fallen, until I talked about it one night with my husband. I had gotten to the point where I was paralyzed with fear. I was afraid to approach a potential employer. Afraid to try to do any job, for fear of failure. I had even transferred these feelings to my personal life, and felt ill at ease in public. I was sure that everyone was staring at me, knowing what a failure I was. Knowing that I had nothing to offer anyone. Knowing that I was less than perfect. I avoided public at all costs. Church was even uncomfortable, as I avoided personal contact with people just because I was so broken inside. I had stopped trying, I no longer did things that I enjoyed, nor did I attempt to really accomplish anything. My house was clean. I felt that if I was unemployed, I should have a perfect house. But other than that, I was just scared.

I couldn’t see any way out. I would always be a failure, I would never be able to be a functioning member of society again. I no longer made a difference for anyone. I would think of going to school, or going back to work, or even entering a social situation and cringe.

Since meeting with my counselor, I have come so far! I am confident as I work towards jobs again. I know that I have skills that can be utilized. I have hope that some day, I’ll find just the right job, and until then, I will be fine.

I am stepping out of my shell, also. I gave blood today at a local church, and after I left, I realized that I had gone in with my head held high. I had talked with folks. I had laughed, I had really and truly been THERE. It was very, very exciting!!! I hadn’t even noticed that change coming. As I drove home, radiant from my grand accomplishment, I realized that I was reaching out more and more, and folks have been reaching back. I have been laughing and talking with an old group of friends that have been reunited in graduation plans for our sons. I have been on Facebook. I’ve been honestly trying to be the old me again.

We had also had a family argument this week. It happens! My teenagers were bickering and it was driving me insane. We had the argument, and we were able to end it with a good talk. It wasn’t perfect, but afterwards, I didn’t sink. I didn’t panic. I didn’t second guess myself. I felt like we had made some progress and perhaps they understood where I was coming from a bit more. I know that my oldest is struggling a bit now, too, so I worry about him. I want to reach out to him. I want him to know that I’ve seen the dark places, and I’m not afraid of them anymore…that I’ll go into them with him, and shine light in all of the corners.

I can’t believe that there has been this much of a change in so little time! Not that I’m complaining! I am thrilled to be at this point. I’m just hoping that it’s a long term thing, and not a brief respite. I have come to realize that depression is what it is, and like other diseases that weaken our physical body, it may be with us for life. But we can manage it, and we can overcome those times when it feels like you are about to go down for the last time.

I ran across this picture of daisies that I had taken a few years ago. I love daisies, because they are so bright and cheerful…simple, yet beautiful. And they last forever. I mean, really, have you ever had cut daisies in a vase? They last longer than any flower that I’ve ever cut. My dad gave me daisies when I graduated from High School. My grandpa sent me daisies when I competed at the State Junior Miss program. They lasted for more than a week or so beyond any of the other flowers. For this and for the sentimental value that they now hold, I love daisies.

I want to be a daisy…resilient, able to grow in even diverse conditions. Long lasting even when they are cut from their roots. And cheerful. I want to be cheerful.

I also noticed, as I looked through photos taken years ago, that I am not the same photographer. When I took this photo, it was a major accomplishment for me. Very artistic! The rest of my photos from that time period are a mix of blurred shots, bad composition, or terrible lighting. I hadn’t realized that I had improved in this area, either! Made me feel pretty good about where I am today in many respects.

As the scrapbooker says, I’m good now. Hopefully for a long time…just like a daisy.

365 days of Memories

I’m sure that you all know what a “365” project is…it seems that I was the last to hear about and jump on the 365 bandwagon! In the scrapbooking world, it is all the rage this year, thanks to Becky Higgins’ inspiration and kit. I’ve found that it’s also popular in the photography world, on a different level, and I believe that it might have many applications in our lives.

The basic premise is that you take a photo a day, every day, and scrapbook them in a special album. The standard is to scrapbook a week on a two-page layout, and in addition to Becky’s kit, there are many digital alternatives. That is the route that I am taking, as it allows me to very quickly scrap these photos in a beautiful format.

There is plenty of room for interpretation here! You can focus on whatever aspect of your photos that you wish…if you want to improve your photography skills, if you want to document the growth of your children, if you want to spotlight more of your daily life than you normally would in a scrapbook. I’ve heard of 365 projects that are entirely self-portraits, 365s for photo editing. It’s entirely up to YOU…what is important to you, and what you want to focus on.

My 365 is very flexible, but it allows me to scrapbook some quick little things that I might have otherwise gotten lost in the shuffle. Like when the Baby learned that he lived on Harbor View Loop…but he said it was “Harbor View Loop de Loop”.

I’ve also acknowledged my love of coloring – and my newfound skill in shading techniques! Digital scrapbooking is opening an entirely new world to me, the un-artist.

I’ve left a record of the equipment that we use these days. One day, these things will be old fashioned and clunky, and we’ll look back and laugh. For instance, we used to load computers from cassette tape!

I don’t even have a picture of the old cassette players that were prevalent when I was young, but they have a place in my memories. These gave way to boom boxes, then walkmans, CD players, and now the MP3 player. The ‘cell’ phone used to be huge and very militaristic, and now they range from mobile computers to tiny little things that slip in your pocket.

I’ve used it to work with my photography skills, as you can see in this photo of the Baby and his Hot Wheels. Not only did I show how he plays with them and his joy in doing so, but also did it in an artistic way.

And sometimes, I show off some of my favorite photos. This photo of a dandelion gone to seed in a field of dew-kissed grass is one of my best works. I was lucky to catch the sun at just the right angle, and worked to make my depth of field as shallow as possible to blur out the grass.

I can see other options for 365, too. What about 365 days of BLOG POSTS? 365 days of happy thought? 365 days of counting your blessings? 365 days of sketches? Saving 365 days of news headlines? They don’t have to be pictorially represented, and they don’t even have to be pretty. It’s just an opportunity to record our history little by little…I’m 20 weeks in and still keeping up with the workflow. Wish me luck!

I can’t think of a better way to spend my year!

Shattered, but beautiful

They say that a picture is worth a 1000 words. I believe that a picture can inspire at least a 1000 words! This picture began with a drive by shooting, oddly enough. We’ll get to that in a minute.

As part of the 365 project that I am working on in 2009, I have been taking more photographs than ever. I love my camera – I often feel that it’s a necessary appendage to my body – and documenting my family’s life is my ultimate goal.

When you have 365 days to document, you begin to look past the obvious baby grins, wrestling matches, and band concerts that we quite often fill our scrapbooks with. You begin to see the opportunity to really look at the little details that make up our lives and preserve them forever in this format. It fleshes out the pictures of events into the rich and full landscape of life as it is for us in 2009.

I also began to see correlations between images that I see, and the lessons that we learn along the way. Analogies, or visual interpretations of what I am experiencing. I’ve been taking the time to record these similes because it gives such depth to the stories that I tell.

Last fall, when the economy began to fall apart and the world was hanging by a thread over the Presidential Election, I received word that my entire department was being eliminated from the company that I had worked for these past 11 years. I had also worked 12 years for the previous owner, which means that I had spent my entire adult life in this business. I am one of those that goes all in, and I gave the business my heart and soul. I made it my entire world, and had such vision for what we could accomplish.

It is needless to say that I was devastated. The lack of income was minor compared to the loss that I experienced personally. I had used every talent that I possess to make this the most amazing place to work and to have that spill out into the community at large. Because I spent so much effort in this area, most of my friends were from the workplace, as well.

Apparently, the memo that I was no longer employed was translated in a much more general fashion, and the coworkers that I thought were my friends were suddenly no longer interested in me. I heard from no one for months. Admittedly, I didn’t often make the effort to approach them, and that is my failure.

To make a long story short: my entire world was turned inside out.

Now is not a good time to find work in this country, and our county is particularly hard hit. Recent figures show unemployment at 14.1%. Statistically, the odds of my finding gainful employment are slim to none. Add to this the complication that I work in the IT field, and finding work in a small town is ridiculously remote.

I still have no idea where I am headed, and it is quite likely that I will have to consider a second career before it is over. I’ve had to evaluate what is most important to me in my work, and what things I am willing to compromise on – and what I am not.

I have toyed with the idea of becoming a graphic designer. I recently discovered digital scrapbooking and I am loving it! I am in awe of the designers who create the digital kits that I find online. I envisioned myself the artiste, whipping up papers and embellishments that could be downloaded by my adoring clients. Realistically, this is not likely to happen. I don’t have any idea where to start in such a world, much less thrive…and my Photoshop skills, while impressive for an average Josephine, are no match to the talent that I see in digi websites.

It has opened my mind to the possibility of a more creative career, however. I am most satisfied when I am able to use my artistic tendencies alongside the technical expertise that I have.

So back to the photo.

A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting at home when a drive-by shooting happened at our house. I heard a powerful crack that shook my family room, and I looked up to find that the sliding glass door had shattered. I say this in jest, of course, as the item shot was a rock, and the driving was my husband on the lawn mower. But it was very scary, nonetheless! I loved hearing my almost-three year old tell the story…”Daddy mowed the grass and there was a big bang, and then a hole and the winnow looked like a spider web. It scared the TRAP out of me!”

It was a beautiful sunny day, and the door looked like cathedral glass. It was dazzling, sparkling in the sun! I grabbed the camera and snapped a few off. Just yesterday, Hubby pulled out the broken glass, which he had saved in a bucket. I laid it out in the sun and took more pictures, practicing my macro shots. He had the great idea of setting up a light box with colored LED lights underneath that lit up the facets of the glass with such brilliance.

So here is the lesson, since I know that this is a lot of back story to get to such a simple message. The glass is shattered, and no longer can be used for it’s original purpose. But it’s still beautiful. Just in a very different way than it was before. I could take the pieces and use them to make something new that would sparkle like diamonds. Something far more exquisite than the scratched door that was covered with fingerprints and doggy noseprints. It can rise above the event that shook it from it’s very frame and scattered the pieces.

I know that my Heavenly Father has plans for me, and perhaps I’ll be like the shattered glass. My world has been upset and I’m really not very good at change. But with His help, I can gather up the pieces and use them to make something beautiful and new, that catches the light in an entirely different way than I have ever experienced.

It was a peaceful feeling, looking over the photos that I had taken. Because the glass was no longer held rigidly in place, you could see it various ways, depending on your perspective. I know that I need to stop trying to fit myself back into the frame that I used to be in, because I no longer fit in that mold. I have become something much more fascinating and faceted during this time of unemployment. I’ve had the time to stretch a bit in areas that I never had the time to do before. I am shattered, but beautiful all the same.

(to those of you who know me well enough to know that I was probably cracked to begin with…now is a good time to keep that to yourself, okay?!)