Tuesday, April 8, 2014

When you can't tweet...or post...or even type!

I feel complete.  At least for this moment…

You see, I’ve been without a laptop for a few weeks.  It started out with a hibernation issue.  It would refuse to boot for days at a time.  Then, it developed a screen issue that meant that I had to use it with an external monitor attached.

That’s really not convenient, especially you are used to laying in bed typing or reading.  The monitor is never positioned quite right, and well…it kinda digs into your knees when you try to balance it. 
Finally, I took it in to the computer doc to fix it.  Not that I couldn’t have fixed it; in another life, that’s what I did for a living!  But it frustrated me so much, and I would get bummed even thinking about it.  So I paid someone to do what I simply could not bring myself to do.  Whip my baby into shape. 

$100 and one hour later, she works like a champ.  Even in bed.  I’m a happy girl.

What’s interesting to me is what I missed about my laptop.  I could still access email, Facebook, and Pinterest on my Kindle or Ipod.  I didn’t miss much there.  I could peruse the web, check out the news, all of the really important things.

But I felt like I couldn’t DO anything.  And by anything, I meant anything creative.

I could still take photos, but without having a computer to edit them, it wasn’t worth the effort.  I couldn’t work on my 365 project.  I couldn’t scrapbook.  Even if I wanted to go back to scrapbooking with real paper, I always use my computer to edit photos, print, or create titles and journaling.
Most of all, I couldn’t communicate.  I type all day, every day.  I work in front of a computer, and everything that I do is typed.  I type as fast as I think.  Well, almost.  But writing?  Fuggettaboutit.  Even if I could write quickly, it would be illegible.  I was completely frustrated when I would take out a paper and pen.  It was as if the delay from my brain to my fingers was interminable.
And typing on a Kindle?  Not a chance.  Crazy misspellings.  Ipod?  Crazy autocorrect.  (and sometimes, even inappropriate!)

I’d have a thought, and I couldn’t flesh it out.  I could make notes, but knowing that I couldn’t just sit down and think it out was incredibly frustrating.  Not that I’ve done much writing lately…but when I suddenly couldn’t…I really wanted to!  I felt the urge to bare my soul in prose.  To write the great American novel.  To write SOMETHING.  

I vowed that if I got the laptop fixed, I’d write.  I’d blog.  I’d type and type until there was not a single word left in me.  I’d understand what was inside of me.   

Ah, there’s the key.  I’ve been struggling with a number of things in my life, and I had no outlet.  I’ve always written, even if no one ever read what I had written.  The simple act of allowing my thoughts to flow out into the keyboard allows me to process them, to organize them, and to let them go.  

It’s comforting to know that my therapist is only a keystroke or two away.  

Life is good.

PS.  After I wrote this, my computer died completely.  I was lost.   I debated what to do, and finally decided that this was my thing.  I need it.  It centers me and gives me access to the great big world...and my own  heart.  A few clicks, and a brand new one arrived in just a day or two.  I consider it an investment into ME, and I refuse to feel guilty about the expense.  That's my story...and I'm sticking with it!