Come what may and LOVE it.

In October of 2008, I heard a talk at the General Conference for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints that made me laugh and touched my soul at the same time. At the time, we had no idea that it would be the last Conference address given by Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin. He was a frail old man, hardly even able to speak, and he gave his talk from a sitting position. His body was frail, but his words were powerful.

His theme was “Come what may, and love it”. The concept is easy enough to understand…when life hands us lemons, we must make lemonade. We must learn to love the things that are thrown at us, and not let adversity destroy us. It’s an excellent talk, and one that I recommend that everyone read, regardless of your faith or denomination.

At the time, it was easy to see the message implied. I had recently been unemployed, and life was looking pretty bleak. We had lost half of our income, my self-esteem, and many of my friends in the process. I understood and tried to apply his advice, I really did. That path was longer and more winding than I had hoped, but I finally got to the point where I loved the situation that I was in.

Now we are on the other side. But you know what? His advice still applies! He said come what may…and that means in adversity, but also in our successes. Change in our lives is inevitable, and even if it is a good change, it’s a change that causes stress for us.

I have been so busy lately that I can hardly keep up. I have two clients that I work with that are requiring a great deal of time right now. They were freelance projects that I was working on during the time that I was looking for work, and for businesses and business owners that I respect very much.

I also had the chance to take engagement pictures for a friend’s son. Not only was it something that I wanted to do for my friend, but it was a fantastic opportunity to build my photography portfolio and I couldn’t pass it up. They were both photogenic and easy to work with, and I had a great time getting to know them. This meant an hour or so taking the pictures, and then a few hours editing and perfecting the photos. I suppose if I were a better photographer, I could have sped that process up, but I wanted them to be nice and so I spent a bit of time on them.

As all of these incredible opportunities presented themselves just as I received a job offer. Again, it was something that I just couldn’t pass up, a job that I had been waiting for. I started last Thursday, and hit the ground running. I am working 40+ hours a week and running all of those. It requires a bit of brain power, as well as some physical running (it’s a large office), both of which I’ve not had to do for months. I have worked from home for years, and was always able to adjust my schedule to fit my life. Not so with this new job, which requires regular office hours onsite. That’s not a bad thing at all, merely a big change for me.

And I still have the side jobs that need my attention and deserve it. I will not let them down just because ‘something better came along.’

Crazy times.

I’m also feeling sad that I am leaving Todd. We have been together now for over three years. He’s been my buddy, my sidekick, my every minute. He is my last child, and we have had an amazing three years together as homebodies. It would be easy to be bummed over the whole thing.

I’m not bummed. I am grateful for these blessings, even if the Lord has chosen to pour them all upon me at once. He waited until I had healed, until I was ready to handle the stress. I thank Him for that great mercy.

I will follow Elder Wirthlin’s advice. When I am stressed and have no time to myself for a few weeks, I’ll be glad that I have good work and an income to help my family. When I am away from my children and missing them, I will make the most of my time away. I won’t bemoan our separation; I will rejoice in the adult time that it gives me, and the self-esteem that it is restoring. I will learn everything that I can, I will accomplish all that I can, I will make my employer as successful as I can.

At the end of the day, I will go home and love my babies.

We don’t know what the next day might bring. It may bring unemployment again…with the economy as it is, there are no guarantees. Now I know that is not the worst thing that can happen, though, and I know that I can not only survive, I can THRIVE.

In my current work state, I am busy and sometimes need five minutes just to do what I want to do. (Which is usually working my farm in Farm Town) But I can not only survive this wild time, I can THRIVE.

That’s what Elder Wirthlin was referring to. Not just “endure to the end”, which is good advice…but come what may and LOVE it. Embrace it. Don’t just survive. And never, ever wish away the time that is now.

Fresh as a Daisy

I was reading a scrapbooking magazine today and saw a layout titled, “I’m good now.” The journaling was about how she had battled depression, and might battle it again, but she was good now. I’ve been thinking that, too. Even though I am coming off of one of the worst periods of depression that I’ve ever suffered…I think that I’m good now. Strong. If not strong, definitely stronger than I was just a few weeks ago. Is it possible? Could I be “in remission”?

When I began seeing a counselor, I was hopeful. Just having someone to talk to that was not emotionally involved with me was a great relief. I could be perfectly honest and forthright, and I knew that she would be, also. Having a total stranger tell you that you are a good person is a lot different than your mother telling you that you are a good person, if you know what I mean! Don’t get me wrong…Moms should still tell us that we are good, and that they are proud of us, though.

The first week, I poured out my issues, and she told me that it was perfectly natural to be depressed in my situation. She wasn’t s hocked that after 6 months, I wasn’t well, that I hadn’t beaten back the demons. That in and of itself was the lifting of a burden. Just having someone who can see my life through unbiased eyes!

I didn’t realize how very far I had fallen, until I talked about it one night with my husband. I had gotten to the point where I was paralyzed with fear. I was afraid to approach a potential employer. Afraid to try to do any job, for fear of failure. I had even transferred these feelings to my personal life, and felt ill at ease in public. I was sure that everyone was staring at me, knowing what a failure I was. Knowing that I had nothing to offer anyone. Knowing that I was less than perfect. I avoided public at all costs. Church was even uncomfortable, as I avoided personal contact with people just because I was so broken inside. I had stopped trying, I no longer did things that I enjoyed, nor did I attempt to really accomplish anything. My house was clean. I felt that if I was unemployed, I should have a perfect house. But other than that, I was just scared.

I couldn’t see any way out. I would always be a failure, I would never be able to be a functioning member of society again. I no longer made a difference for anyone. I would think of going to school, or going back to work, or even entering a social situation and cringe.

Since meeting with my counselor, I have come so far! I am confident as I work towards jobs again. I know that I have skills that can be utilized. I have hope that some day, I’ll find just the right job, and until then, I will be fine.

I am stepping out of my shell, also. I gave blood today at a local church, and after I left, I realized that I had gone in with my head held high. I had talked with folks. I had laughed, I had really and truly been THERE. It was very, very exciting!!! I hadn’t even noticed that change coming. As I drove home, radiant from my grand accomplishment, I realized that I was reaching out more and more, and folks have been reaching back. I have been laughing and talking with an old group of friends that have been reunited in graduation plans for our sons. I have been on Facebook. I’ve been honestly trying to be the old me again.

We had also had a family argument this week. It happens! My teenagers were bickering and it was driving me insane. We had the argument, and we were able to end it with a good talk. It wasn’t perfect, but afterwards, I didn’t sink. I didn’t panic. I didn’t second guess myself. I felt like we had made some progress and perhaps they understood where I was coming from a bit more. I know that my oldest is struggling a bit now, too, so I worry about him. I want to reach out to him. I want him to know that I’ve seen the dark places, and I’m not afraid of them anymore…that I’ll go into them with him, and shine light in all of the corners.

I can’t believe that there has been this much of a change in so little time! Not that I’m complaining! I am thrilled to be at this point. I’m just hoping that it’s a long term thing, and not a brief respite. I have come to realize that depression is what it is, and like other diseases that weaken our physical body, it may be with us for life. But we can manage it, and we can overcome those times when it feels like you are about to go down for the last time.

I ran across this picture of daisies that I had taken a few years ago. I love daisies, because they are so bright and cheerful…simple, yet beautiful. And they last forever. I mean, really, have you ever had cut daisies in a vase? They last longer than any flower that I’ve ever cut. My dad gave me daisies when I graduated from High School. My grandpa sent me daisies when I competed at the State Junior Miss program. They lasted for more than a week or so beyond any of the other flowers. For this and for the sentimental value that they now hold, I love daisies.

I want to be a daisy…resilient, able to grow in even diverse conditions. Long lasting even when they are cut from their roots. And cheerful. I want to be cheerful.

I also noticed, as I looked through photos taken years ago, that I am not the same photographer. When I took this photo, it was a major accomplishment for me. Very artistic! The rest of my photos from that time period are a mix of blurred shots, bad composition, or terrible lighting. I hadn’t realized that I had improved in this area, either! Made me feel pretty good about where I am today in many respects.

As the scrapbooker says, I’m good now. Hopefully for a long time…just like a daisy.

Living with a Mission

I tried for years to define my “Mission Statement”, a personal document that helps you to outline your purpose in life, so that you can better align your daily activities with what you want to achieve. It’s part of the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R Covey, which I highly recommend as “must read”. I really struggled with it, though, because I couldn’t quite narrow it down the way that I wanted it to read.

Dr. Covey’s website offered a mission statement generator at one point, which asked you a series of questions. You took the one word answers from those questions and formulated a sentence that described how that should be a part of your life. It sounds complicated, but it was really easy to use and the first time through, I came up with what was the perfect Mission Statement. It integrated all that you valued, and I was so pleased with the results!

This is what I came up with:
• I will live my life so that others can trust me.
• I will raise children that can stand on their own and serve others with compassion.
• I will create a family environment that is encouraging, respectful, and spotlights the value of each individual.
• I will strive to live my life so that I may always feel free to run in the rain, laugh with abandon, and take chances when appropriate.
• I will be true and dependable to those around me.
• I will center my life on the Gospel, so that others may see the light that illuminates my world.
• I will embrace others and help them to see the world as a place with endless possibility, and that one has never gone too far to turn back.
• I will have respect for others and expect their respect, as well.
• I will make all decisions and seek the guidance of my Heavenly Father in all things, thanking Him for the blessings that I already receive.
• I will seek to make the world a better place.

I’ve been through a lot since then. I often feel like an entirely different person; but as I re-read my mission statement recently, I felt the familiar comfort of a pair of well-worn jeans. It still fit perfectly.

I’ve wavered in the implementation of my statement, to be sure. I think that the most poignant diversion was to the idea that I will respect others, and expect their respect, as well. I let that one slide, until even I had no respect for me. I’m gaining that back, little by little. But what matters is that my GOAL is still the same, even if I got a little lost along the way.

That is why it is so important to have such a statement, so that once in awhile, you can evaluate where you are headed, and if your daily activities accurately reflect the things that you most value. For instance, if you value time with your family, but are spending your days in search of money…that’s going to create a discord in your life. I think that when we live in harmony with the goals that we have set for ourselves, we are most happy. I know that I am.

The first line is fascinating, in retrospect. Trust was something that became scarce in the world that I lived in recently. I found myself in the middle of the storm, and I’m sure that I deviated from that value. I truly want, however, to be someone that can be trusted.

Let’s take Survivor, for a moment. (timely, as JT Thomas was crowned the winner just last night for Survivor: Tocantins) You often hear them describe their behavior on Survivor by saying, “It’s just a game…that is not how I am in real life.” I beg to differ. I saw more Survivor type tactics in the workplace than I can ever describe, and I think that any time you have a situation in which one person can benefit from deceiving or cutting down another, you will have that sort of behavior. This completely goes against my personal ethics, and I know that I could never play such a game. I would be devastated by the time I left the tribe.

More importantly, it would put me in a position in which it would be advantageous for me to break my first and most basic value: to be someone that can be trusted. I saw this unfold as Survivor: Tocantins wrapped up. JT and Coach, specifically, wanted to play the game with integrity. While all around them, others were saying that you HAD to lie and cheat in Survivor, they maintained their integrity. (Coach is another discussion entirely, and in his defense, I believe that HE believes everything that he said.) JT had the decision at the end to choose to take Erinn to the finals, whom he felt he could easily beat, or Stephen, who was a wild card. At least in JT’s mind.

The fact that JT received EVERY vote last night says much for the idea that you do not HAVE to lie in the game. JT managed to keep his word, as evidenced when Coach was voted out. JT had promised not to oust him; although JT knew that it was coming, he personally did not write down Coach’s name. It wasn’t a cop out. He was playing the game, but in the most honest way that he could. His one moment of questionable ethics arose when Taj was voted off. I think that he instantly regretted it, but it was too late to take it back. A good lesson for us all – one small step off of the path can be irreversible, no matter how much it hurts us or those we love in the long run. No matter how sorry we are.

Debbie, on the other hand, commented in the reunion show that the students at the middle school at which she is a principal ‘knew that she would have to lie’ in the game. WHAT?!! How can she feel that this is acceptable under any circumstances? I completely disagree, obviously, and was disappointed in her behavior.

I’m not commenting on this to be negative, but to illustrate how we think as individuals. I know that I could not be happy in an environment that encouraged me to be at odds with my core values. I believe that my job had taken that path. I was becoming increasingly agitated and felt less confident in myself. I wasn’t happy. But it was a job, and my family has a habit of eating, so I kept at it.

Had I not been laid off with budget cuts, I would still be slogging along. I know that I would not have taken that leap to rid myself of a toxic atmosphere. My Heavenly Father knew that, and I think that this layoff was a means to an end. It hurt, but in the end, I knew that was what He wanted for me.

I felt this reaffirmed as I read my Mission Statement. It doesn’t necessarily make the struggles any less real, but it does soothe my soul to know that my eternal progress is so much more important than whether or not we have money to spare.

A new job will come along, or we will find a way to live on what we have. Either way, I will follow the spirit to find the right place for me. A place where I can live in accord with the principles that are most important to me.

Do you have a personal Mission Statement? Have you been able to identify the things that will keep you well and happy? Try the Franklin Covey Mission Statement Generator…it’s quick and easy, and I think that you will be surprised with what you come up with.

And do share, if you feel comfortable doing so! We can all use a little help from our friends!

Shattered, but beautiful

They say that a picture is worth a 1000 words. I believe that a picture can inspire at least a 1000 words! This picture began with a drive by shooting, oddly enough. We’ll get to that in a minute.

As part of the 365 project that I am working on in 2009, I have been taking more photographs than ever. I love my camera – I often feel that it’s a necessary appendage to my body – and documenting my family’s life is my ultimate goal.

When you have 365 days to document, you begin to look past the obvious baby grins, wrestling matches, and band concerts that we quite often fill our scrapbooks with. You begin to see the opportunity to really look at the little details that make up our lives and preserve them forever in this format. It fleshes out the pictures of events into the rich and full landscape of life as it is for us in 2009.

I also began to see correlations between images that I see, and the lessons that we learn along the way. Analogies, or visual interpretations of what I am experiencing. I’ve been taking the time to record these similes because it gives such depth to the stories that I tell.

Last fall, when the economy began to fall apart and the world was hanging by a thread over the Presidential Election, I received word that my entire department was being eliminated from the company that I had worked for these past 11 years. I had also worked 12 years for the previous owner, which means that I had spent my entire adult life in this business. I am one of those that goes all in, and I gave the business my heart and soul. I made it my entire world, and had such vision for what we could accomplish.

It is needless to say that I was devastated. The lack of income was minor compared to the loss that I experienced personally. I had used every talent that I possess to make this the most amazing place to work and to have that spill out into the community at large. Because I spent so much effort in this area, most of my friends were from the workplace, as well.

Apparently, the memo that I was no longer employed was translated in a much more general fashion, and the coworkers that I thought were my friends were suddenly no longer interested in me. I heard from no one for months. Admittedly, I didn’t often make the effort to approach them, and that is my failure.

To make a long story short: my entire world was turned inside out.

Now is not a good time to find work in this country, and our county is particularly hard hit. Recent figures show unemployment at 14.1%. Statistically, the odds of my finding gainful employment are slim to none. Add to this the complication that I work in the IT field, and finding work in a small town is ridiculously remote.

I still have no idea where I am headed, and it is quite likely that I will have to consider a second career before it is over. I’ve had to evaluate what is most important to me in my work, and what things I am willing to compromise on – and what I am not.

I have toyed with the idea of becoming a graphic designer. I recently discovered digital scrapbooking and I am loving it! I am in awe of the designers who create the digital kits that I find online. I envisioned myself the artiste, whipping up papers and embellishments that could be downloaded by my adoring clients. Realistically, this is not likely to happen. I don’t have any idea where to start in such a world, much less thrive…and my Photoshop skills, while impressive for an average Josephine, are no match to the talent that I see in digi websites.

It has opened my mind to the possibility of a more creative career, however. I am most satisfied when I am able to use my artistic tendencies alongside the technical expertise that I have.

So back to the photo.

A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting at home when a drive-by shooting happened at our house. I heard a powerful crack that shook my family room, and I looked up to find that the sliding glass door had shattered. I say this in jest, of course, as the item shot was a rock, and the driving was my husband on the lawn mower. But it was very scary, nonetheless! I loved hearing my almost-three year old tell the story…”Daddy mowed the grass and there was a big bang, and then a hole and the winnow looked like a spider web. It scared the TRAP out of me!”

It was a beautiful sunny day, and the door looked like cathedral glass. It was dazzling, sparkling in the sun! I grabbed the camera and snapped a few off. Just yesterday, Hubby pulled out the broken glass, which he had saved in a bucket. I laid it out in the sun and took more pictures, practicing my macro shots. He had the great idea of setting up a light box with colored LED lights underneath that lit up the facets of the glass with such brilliance.

So here is the lesson, since I know that this is a lot of back story to get to such a simple message. The glass is shattered, and no longer can be used for it’s original purpose. But it’s still beautiful. Just in a very different way than it was before. I could take the pieces and use them to make something new that would sparkle like diamonds. Something far more exquisite than the scratched door that was covered with fingerprints and doggy noseprints. It can rise above the event that shook it from it’s very frame and scattered the pieces.

I know that my Heavenly Father has plans for me, and perhaps I’ll be like the shattered glass. My world has been upset and I’m really not very good at change. But with His help, I can gather up the pieces and use them to make something beautiful and new, that catches the light in an entirely different way than I have ever experienced.

It was a peaceful feeling, looking over the photos that I had taken. Because the glass was no longer held rigidly in place, you could see it various ways, depending on your perspective. I know that I need to stop trying to fit myself back into the frame that I used to be in, because I no longer fit in that mold. I have become something much more fascinating and faceted during this time of unemployment. I’ve had the time to stretch a bit in areas that I never had the time to do before. I am shattered, but beautiful all the same.

(to those of you who know me well enough to know that I was probably cracked to begin with…now is a good time to keep that to yourself, okay?!)

National Day of Prayer, hometown style

My mom and I attended a small gathering at our City Hall today for National Day of Prayer. We live in a very tiny town, and it was put together somewhat at the last minute, so there were only about 15 people there…but what a great experience! A local pastor officiated, and it was especially appropriate because he is also the chaplain for the City (EMS).

It was a simple, beautiful 20 minute lunch time activity. The mayor introduced the idea and welcomed everyone, and then the Pastor asked each of us to share a concern that we had, something that we would like to pray for in our country. The answers were all very good. Integrity, honesty, morality, respect, family, the concern for those who are out of work, government decisions, to name a few.

The pastor then prayed for us. It was simple and heartfelt, and he included each of the points that we had shared. How he remembered them all, I don’t know! He was compassionate and loving in his prayer, which included both requests for divine guidance and blessings, as well as prayers of gratitude and thanksgiving. It was also instructional to each of us in attendance, who came out of the room with a deep respect for those leading our country, our states, our towns, and for those providing necessary services that we sometimes take for granted.

I was especially touched by his blessing for those who are not finding work. I was an early casualty of the economy. I have been out of work for 8 months, with no light at the end of the tunnel. I had worked at my job for 24 years…literally all of my adult life. I am now in a position where I need to reinvent myself to survive in this economy, and it has not been easy. Pastor blessed us with self-esteem. How intuitive! That is the first thing that is compromised in this situation. No matter what the rest of the country looks like, you still blame yourself for being a failure when you are unable to find work to take care of your family.

It was an odd mix of people. Some I knew, others were unfamiliar. Some were City employees, but others were members of the community such as Mom and me. We were from all different faiths, and for all I know, there might have been some there that didn’t have a church home. Yet we all came together for the good of the many, to take time to thank God for all that we have, and pray for those who need Him right now.

I was especially pleased that our Mayor took interest and lead the gathering. What great courage it takes to make a stand when you are in an elected position. He was gracious and eager to head this event, and hoped for a larger future response. I would have welcomed other prayers there as well; we were well represented as Christians, but to join with and hear the prayers of other groups would have been thrilling.

I read about the “Meet at City Hall” idea in a newsletter that I get from a political website, and passed it on to friends at City Hall to see if we might be able to do this here. Within hours, they had taken it to the woman with pull who made it happen, with the support of the mayor. Sometimes, you have but to ask!

I hope that you had a chance to participate in the National Day of Prayer in some way. If not, it’s not too late! As a friend told me once recently, “God has no limits.” We can pray anytime, anywhere and He wants to hear from us. Don’t miss the chance to pray for this great nation that we live in!